Can't we all just get along? The biggest misconception about Mediation and Collaborative Law

One of the more common comments I hear when I tell people that I'm a mediator is

"It sounds great, but it wouldn't have worked for me."

When mediation has been shown to be about 85% successful in most studies, why do so many people assume it won't work for their conflict? The answer is that many people believe that difficult conflicts can only be resolved through compromise; by at least one side giving up something and admitting at least a partial defeat. When the stakes are high enough, people believe you can only reach agreement or resolution by beating the other side or giving in. Sure, if you're getting along and you mostly agree then talking it out can work, but if not you may as well prepare for war. And wars always have clear winners and losers, right?

The power of mediation and collaborative law is how trained professionals

help people find answers when they're NOT getting along.

In actual practice, mediators and collaborative practitioners are specifically trained to help people have difficult conversations, and to find ways to break down conflicts that seem insurmountable. In order for mediation and collaborative law to work you only have to have an open mind and be willing to do the work to face your conflict instead of hiding from it.

The real reason many people let lawyers negotiate for them or judges decide for them, is because they're unwilling to face the conflict they have with the other side, they're unwilling to have difficult conversations, and they're afraid of failing. Sure, there are some cases where the other side is unwilling to be reasonable, but if everyone thinks that way, then everyone is unreasonable.

To think about it another way check out this twitter thread using a conflict over pizza as the example:

Think about it this way: You’re in your home and you and your partner have a disagreement about something, let’s say it’s what to have for dinner. You want to cook homemade pizza and they want to order a pizza. Who is right? 2/
— Justin L. Kelsey ☮️ (@skylarklaw) January 28, 2020

For more information on how #mediation and #collaborativelaw actually work check out these articles:

A Collaborative Law Success Story - 4 part Video Series

You're Thinking about Conflict All Wrong

What Does it Mean to Call Yourself a Collaborative Lawyer?

Improving Negotiations using Collaborative Values: A Checklist of Tools

Why do People go to Court to get Divorced? Because that's where the money is...

Comments

What is the purpose of the Divorce Nisi waiting period?

In Massachusetts the statutory waiting period after a Judgment of Divorce and before the divorce becomes final (or absolute) is called the Nisi period. After a divorce case settles or goes to trial, a Judgment of Divorce Nisi will issue and it will become Absolute after a further ninety (90) days. This waiting period serves the purpose of allowing parties to change their mind before the divorce becomes final. If the Judgment of Divorce Nisi has issued but not become final yet, and you and your spouse decide you don't want to get divorced, then you can file a Motion to Dismiss and the Judgment will be undone. Although many of my clients who are getting divorced think the idea of getting back together with their ex sounds crazy, I have had cases where this happened. In addition to offering a grace period to change your mind, the Nisi period has three other legal effects: 1. The most obvious effect of the waiting period is that you cannot remarry during the Nisi period, be...

New Massachusetts Child Support Guidelines (2021): Big Changes, Little Changes, Typos & some Unexpected Results

UPDATE: The court has released a web calculating version of the 2021 MA Child Support Guidelines Worksheet . It resolves some of the typos referred to below, but the unexpected calculations still apply. Every four years, per federal mandate, the Massachusetts Probate & Family Court revisits the Child Support Guidelines through the work of a Task Force appointed by the Chief Justice. The 2021 Massachusetts Child Support Guidelines were recently posted. They take effect on October 4, 2021. If you are interested in a training on all of these changes to the new Child Support Guidelines: DMTA Presents the 2021 MA Child Support Guidelines Update – Attend this event to learn the key updates you need to know for your mediation clients. Presented by Justin Kelsey of Divorce Mediation Training Associates and Skylark Law & Mediation, PC . For a full comparison of all the tracked changes between the 2018 and 2021 Massachusetts Ch...

Online Tool for Creating Parenting Plans

It is our hope that all families find a way to resolve conflict peacefully. This is especially true when children are involved. Divorced or separated parenting has many complications and the first is just deciding how to share time with a child from two separate households. Developing a schedule can result in a lot of tension, especially if parents have trouble picturing how this new schedule will interact with their work schedules and the schedules of their children. To help make this easier, we've created an online tool for creating parenting plans that is simple and easy to use: We encourage parents, regardless of the process they are using to divorce, to use this form to assist in evaluating and settling custody disputes. The form allows you to choose between the Model Parenting Plan proposals or customize your parenting plan over a four week period by clicking directly on the form. When you click on a section of the calendar it switches between ...

Search This Blog