Can't we all just get along? The biggest misconception about Mediation and Collaborative Law

One of the more common comments I hear when I tell people that I'm a mediator is

"It sounds great, but it wouldn't have worked for me."

When mediation has been shown to be about 85% successful in most studies, why do so many people assume it won't work for their conflict? The answer is that many people believe that difficult conflicts can only be resolved through compromise; by at least one side giving up something and admitting at least a partial defeat. When the stakes are high enough, people believe you can only reach agreement or resolution by beating the other side or giving in. Sure, if you're getting along and you mostly agree then talking it out can work, but if not you may as well prepare for war. And wars always have clear winners and losers, right?

The power of mediation and collaborative law is how trained professionals

help people find answers when they're NOT getting along.

In actual practice, mediators and collaborative practitioners are specifically trained to help people have difficult conversations, and to find ways to break down conflicts that seem insurmountable. In order for mediation and collaborative law to work you only have to have an open mind and be willing to do the work to face your conflict instead of hiding from it.

The real reason many people let lawyers negotiate for them or judges decide for them, is because they're unwilling to face the conflict they have with the other side, they're unwilling to have difficult conversations, and they're afraid of failing. Sure, there are some cases where the other side is unwilling to be reasonable, but if everyone thinks that way, then everyone is unreasonable.

To think about it another way check out this twitter thread using a conflict over pizza as the example:

Think about it this way: You’re in your home and you and your partner have a disagreement about something, let’s say it’s what to have for dinner. You want to cook homemade pizza and they want to order a pizza. Who is right? 2/
— Justin L. Kelsey ☮️ (@skylarklaw) January 28, 2020

For more information on how #mediation and #collaborativelaw actually work check out these articles:

A Collaborative Law Success Story - 4 part Video Series

You're Thinking about Conflict All Wrong

What Does it Mean to Call Yourself a Collaborative Lawyer?

Improving Negotiations using Collaborative Values: A Checklist of Tools

Why do People go to Court to get Divorced? Because that's where the money is...

Comments

2024 U.S. Presidential Party Platforms - What are the policy positions that could affect families?

While the laws that affect family formation, marriage and divorce are often made at the state level, there are also many policies and laws at the federal level that affect families and children. Just some examples from recent years that have impacted families in my mediation practice include changes to the federal tax laws (such as the elimination of the alimony tax deduction ) and U.S. Supreme Court rulings on same sex marriage and reproductive health rights. In just over a month, the United States presidential election will have a significant impact on these federal policies going forward, and could choose the next appointments to the U.S. Supreme Court as well. In 2016 and 2020 we shared what each presidential platform said about families and policy regarding family formation and dissolution, and below we'll provide you an update on the 2024 presidential platforms. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."...

Updating your Divorce Agreement Template - More Lessons from Cavanagh v. Cavanagh

We recently posted a lengthy review of the the Massachusetts SJC decision in Cavanagh v. Cavanagh (2002) which included some recommendations for drafting divorce agreements, also typically called Separation Agreements. The Cavanagh case is best known for it's clarification of how the courts should evaluate support calculations when a case may have both alimony and child support. However, the case also contained numerous rulings that should make practitioners review their Separation Agreement templates and change some of the ways in which they may have previously drafted certain sections. In this post we'll share actual language from the Gray Jay Endeavors, LLC form Separation Agreement template which addresses each of the issues raised by the Cavanagh decision. If you are a professional interested in purchasing the full Separation Agreement template, check out Gray Jay's forms subscription which includes editable Massachusetts court forms and financial st...

Co-Parenting Coordinator Agreements - What They Can Do and How to Draft Them

Photo by Marcelo Silva on Unsplash Conflict between parents negatively affects children but for some parents it's hard to avoid conflict when separating or divorcing. Loss, grief, and anger all make it difficult to co-parent and some parents need help overcoming those barriers. One of the professionals that can help parents reduce conflict by assisting them in making the necessary co-parenting decisions is a Co-Parenting Coordinator. The duties of a Co-Parenting Coordinator can vary but often include assisting parents with decision making around: changes or clarifications of the existing parenting plan; exchanges of the child or children including date, time, place, means of and responsibilities for transportation; education or daycare including school choice, tutoring, summer school, before and after school care, participation in special education testing and programs, or other educational decisions; enrichment and extracurricular activities including camps and jobs; the c...

Search This Blog