Skip to main content

Should I Tell my Spouse in a Divorce that I'm Working with a Lawyer?

Photo by Sam Moqadam on Unsplash
Divorce is complicated and one of the challenges is the push and pull between transparency and protecting oneself.  Individuals in a divorce often want to hide information that they are worried will concern their soon-to-be ex-spouse or in some way potentially disadvantage them in court or in a settlement process.  The choice of whether to be transparent about any choice, including the choice to hire a lawyer, has to be weighed against the pros and cons of that decision.

As a mediator, I favor erring on the side of transparency.  If you hide something relevant during a negotiation where both spouses are supposed to be able to make informed decisions then you risk the negotiation failing and all future negotiations being conducted without any trust.  In other words, if you want your spouse to be transparent, you have to demonstrate that willingness as well.  This seems more obvious when you're considering keeping relevant information secret, like the infamous "hidden bank account."  Obviously you shouldn't commit fraud and hide information you're required to disclose.  But what about process decisions, like hiring a lawyer to advise you? Does it make sense to disclose that as well?

Should you disclose if you're working with a lawyer?

I understand that some people don't trust lawyers, and if they're negotiating with their spouse, they're worried that hiring a lawyer will make it harder, or even worse, force their case into a contentious court battle.  When one person needs a lawyer to help them decide what they think is fair, they might be nervous that the other person will be angry or scared if they share that they are working with a lawyer.

However, that is being afraid of one type of lawyer: the litigious advocate.  There are lawyers who approach cases with a more settlement oriented mindset.  When I mediate, I recommend that people hire mediation-friendly lawyers, to make sure that they have advice but in a way that reinforces that the ultimate decisions are still up to the client.  If you hire a lawyer like this, and you both commit to that type of approach, then you can avoid this fear that a lawyer will automatically make things harder.  My hope when a client hires me is that if there spouse looks at my website, they'll be reassured that I'm going to help bring peace to their family, not ramp up the fight.

On the other hand, if the reason someone doesn't want their spouse to get a lawyer is because they don't want them to be informed, then their fear is justified but also disempowering. If you're empowering yourself in a mediation, then I would encourage you not to hide that.  It's not going to be a secret when you start to advocate more effectively for yourself anyway.  

I recognize that there are some situations in which people need to protect themselves, for example when one spouse is controlling or abusive, but if you are in one of those situations you are more likely to end up in a contested court action and have to disclose your attorney anyway.  

Ultimately, I believe that hiding information is more likely to backfire and hurt a relationship then being upfront initially about something, even if that thing is likely to upset the other party.  It's so much worse if they find out later, and trust may never be recoverable.  In addition, if you're in a process with a neutral, like a  mediator, you can use their assistance to break the news effectively and let the mediator help enforce the benefits of working with mediation-friendly attorneys in the mediation process. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

New Massachusetts Child Support Guidelines (2021): Big Changes, Little Changes, Typos & some Unexpected Results

UPDATE: The court has released a web calculating version of the 2021 MA Child Support Guidelines Worksheet .  It resolves some of the typos referred to below, but the unexpected calculations still apply. Every four years, per federal mandate, the Massachusetts Probate & Family Court revisits the Child Support Guidelines through the work of a Task Force appointed by the Chief Justice.  The 2021 Massachusetts Child Support Guidelines were recently posted.  They take effect on October 4, 2021.    If you are interested in a training on all of these changes to the new Child Support Guidelines: DMTA Presents the 2021 MA Child Support Guidelines Update  – Attend this event to learn the key updates you need to know for your mediation clients. Presented by Justin Kelsey of  Divorce Mediation Training Associates  and  Skylark Law & Mediation, PC . For a full comparison of all the  tracked changes between the 2018 and 2021 Massachusetts Child Support Guidelines you can download a pdf sho

What is the purpose of the Divorce Nisi waiting period?

In Massachusetts the statutory waiting period after a Judgment of Divorce and before the divorce becomes final (or absolute) is called the Nisi period. After a divorce case settles or goes to trial, a Judgment of Divorce Nisi will issue and it will become Absolute after a further ninety (90) days. This waiting period serves the purpose of allowing parties to change their mind before the divorce becomes final. If the Judgment of Divorce Nisi has issued but not become final yet, and you and your spouse decide you don't want to get divorced, then you can file a Motion to Dismiss and the Judgment will be undone. Although many of my clients who are getting divorced think the idea of getting back together with their ex sounds crazy, I have had cases where this happened. In addition to offering a grace period to change your mind, the Nisi period has three other legal effects: 1. The most obvious effect of the waiting period is that you cannot remarry during the Nisi period, be

Online Tool for Creating Parenting Plans

It is our hope that all families find a way to resolve conflict peacefully.  This is especially true when children are involved.  Divorced or separated parenting has many complications and the first is just deciding how to share time with a child from two separate households.  Developing a schedule can result in a lot of tension, especially if parents have trouble picturing how this new schedule will interact with their work schedules and the schedules of their children. To help make this easier, we've created an online tool for creating parenting plans that is simple and easy to use: We encourage parents, regardless of the process they are using to divorce, to use this form to assist in evaluating and settling custody disputes. The form allows you to choose between the Model Parenting Plan proposals or customize your parenting plan over a four week period by clicking directly on the form.  When you click on a section of the calendar it switches between Mom and Dad, an