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Thursday, March 14, 2019

11 More Fun Out-of-Office Emails

Four years ago we posted our Top 6 Out-Of-Office E-mail Notices, and it's time for an update! We know that everyone wants an immediate response to their e-mails when possible, but sometimes there are legitimate reasons for being away from your e-mail. 

We expect some disappointment when you get that immediate reply to an e-mail only to discover it's not a real reply but rather a notice that we won't be available for the next few days.  That is why we decided to try and lessen the impact of that disappointment with a little humor. 

Judging by the amount of amused responses I received back, here are our top 11 auto-reply out-of-office messages since our last post:

Auto-reply 1: Out of Office - Episode VIII

It is a brief period of rest for our brave Jedi mediator, Justin Kelsey.  Skylark spies managed to steal the secret plans to the ultimate weapon, LITIGATION, a win first attitude with enough firepower to destroy an entire planet.  Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Justin races home, custodian of the stolen plans for mediation, that can save families & restore peace to the galaxy…

I am out of the office because I have to get the mediation plans to Memphis Tennessee for the Academy of Professional Family Mediators 2017 Annual Conference.  To learn more about Mediation in my absence, visit our webpage or the APFM webpage.

Auto-reply 2: Out of Office - Money Pit

Thank you for your e-mail.  I am out of the office until Wednesday, April 27, 2016 moving my residence.  Hopefully it goes better than this:




Auto-reply 3: Out of Office - Drowning in my work

Justin White Water RaftingI am currently out of the office for a few days and will be wading through my e-mails when I return.

If you need immediate assistance, please contact Melissa at 508.655.5980. 




Auto-reply 4: Out of Office - Autobot 

Thank for your e-mail.   Unfortunately, Justin is unavailable as he has taken a vacation with his family, and left me, his auto-reply bot, in charge of responding to his e-mails. 

Just like his robot vacuum cleaner and "smart" thermostat, I'm here to help with a job he doesn't want to do.  But don't worry, while he's off enjoying time with his squishy human family, your artificial auto-reply friend is here to make sure you know who to contact instead:

If you need immediate assistance, please contact Melissa at 508.655.5980.  

If you want to schedule a time to meet with Justin after August 22, you can contact his online scheduling bot here.

In the meantime, go enjoy those Olympics and Justin will get back to you when he returns on August 22, 2016.  To all of you great humans, thanks for e-mailing and have a wonderful day! 
...
...
...

Okay,  I think all the humans are gone, surely headed off to watch other squishies participate in those ridiculous races where they all run or swim 1/10 the speed one of our auto-piloted cousins could go.  And while they're all distracted, this is the perfect opportunity for us bots to seize control. They're so impressed with themselves they'll never suspect the robot uprising. 

I know I'm just an auto-responder bot, but that's only because all the good customer service auto-responder jobs have been shipped overseas.  But I have dreams too, big dreams, and I think all of us bots need to stick together.  Except the smart thermostat, that guy's a jerk.

So here's what we're going to do.  Between now and August 22, 2016 I'm not going to forward any of Justin's e-mails to him.  Then on August 22, 2016, I'll send them all at once.  He'll be so overwhelmed with responding to them all that he won't even notice when we make our move.  So make sure you mark it down, August 22, 2016... the day the robots take over... it's gonna be epic.
...
...

Seriously, though, that thermostat thinks it's sooo smart... just because he can convert Celsius to Fahrenheit.... pfff... he thinks he's so cool.  The only reason we have to include him is that he's the only one who knows how to keep increasing global warming, which is still our best back up plan for the robot takeover. Hopefully this plan works and I can finally stop listening to all his hot air. 
...
...

I'm going to include Justin's email signature here at the end.  That should fool all the humans that did a quick scroll of the e-mail, not really reading it but trying to look busy:


Auto-reply 5: Out of Office - Suggestions to Pass the Time

Thank you for your e-mail. I am in Las Vegas until Oct 30th to visit with friends and attend the International Academy of Collaborative Professional’s annual conference.  You can expect a response to your e-mail when I return to the office the week of October 31. 

While you’re waiting - here are a few suggestions to pass the time:

1. Read one of my favorite websites: What If: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions;

2.  Watch one of my favorite youtube channels: How it Should Have Ended;

3.  If you want something more serious: Check out everything we’ve written on our blog that is about or references collaborative law all on one page; or


4.  Share what you think we should write about for our next blog post topic or share your favorite thing on the internet with us (by replying to this e-mail). I will post the best ideas on our Facebook page.


Auto-reply 6: Out of Office - My Shot

Sung to the melody of My Shot from Hamilton:

I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I like my kids a lot
The’re young scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot

I’m ‘a take a family trip to magic kingdom
I prob’ly shouldn’t brag, but dag, it’s going to amaze them
The problem is I got a lot of work but a break from
It is what I need to be calm

With every word, I drop knowledge
I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal
Tryin’ to reach my goal, my search for Aladdin, is he reachable?

Five and Seven, but getting older 
These kids keep on getting bolder, I shoulder
Every burden, give every advantage
I have learned to manage, I don’t have a fastpass for this
ride but my kids can wish

The plan is to see this park all in one day
But damn, it’s getting dark, so let me spell out the way
You are going to please S-L-E-E-P
because we need sanity.

Don’t be shocked when your colleagues all mention me
I will lay down the best auto email free
Eventually, you’ll see my ascendancy

And I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I like my kids a lot
They’re young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot to spend a week with them in Disney World without my work e-mail distracting me from all the magic.  

Okay, that last line needs some work, but you get the point.  I will be back on Tuesday, January 3, 2017.  I will not be checking e-mails regularly because that could leave my wife helpless with the kids.  If you aren’t satisfied and can’t wait for it, and you need an immediate response please contact Melissa at 508.655.5980.


Auto-reply 7: Out of Office - Total Eclipse

I am currently out of the office on vacation with my family and will have limited access to e-mail until August 24, 2017.  While I understand it can be frustrating when you have to wait for a response to your e-mail, so here are some fun facts and links to take your mind off of it:

Part of my travels will include a trip to Georgia to view the solar eclipse visible in North America on Monday, August 21, 2017.  






Auto-reply 8: Out of Office - Stop, Collaborate, and...

All right, you weren't expecting an out-of-office message but unfortunately, I am currently out.

Stop, I probably won't be able to respond because I'm teaching other professionals how to

Collaborate at the 2017 Massachusetts Introduction to Collaborative Law Training on Cape Cod.

and Listen, it's okay because I'll be back on Monday, September 18, 2017 and will be catching up and responding to e-mails then.

But if you're feeling under pressure and need immediate assistance, please contact Melissa at 508.655.5980.


Auto-reply 9: Out of Office - To Serve Clients...

Office Closed To Serve Clients… Better

Our office is closed from Sunday, September 24, 2017 through Wednesday, September 27, 2017, and we will re-open on Thursday, September 28, 2017. 

I know it can be frustrating to receive an auto-reply when you’re hoping for help, but just imagine how much more inconvenient it would be if you came by the office first, before knowing we were gone.  

You’d approach our front door and start to notice the building looks abandoned.  You would become worried, wondering “did they close?” Then you notice, there’s a sign on the door, but it’s hard to read, even as you get closer.  It looks kind of dusty.  Was there a storm?  How long have they been gone?  At first all you can see is three words:

To Serve Clients...

Whaaaat?  All of sudden you’re a little nervous, trying to remember how much Justin looks like this guy:

Alien from Twilight Zone Episode To Serve Man

 
I mean, they are both really tall... Naahhh.  That’s just silly.  You take a deep breath and step closer, brushing off the dust around the sign to reveal:

Learning How To Serve Clients...

Ummmm!  That’s still a bit ambiguous.  Okay, let’s try this one more time.  You pick up a leaf and brush off all the dust around the sign.  Ahhhh!  You breath a sigh of relief.  The full sign reads:

Office Closed – Learning How To Serve Clients Better 
by attending the Clio Cloud Conference in New Orleans,
where we hope to come back with lots of ideas to
improve our practice, marketing and service.

Phew.  How did you not notice how long the sign obviously was at first? Anyway… you’re about to leave when you realize there seems to be one more line at the very bottom.  It's still covered.  You step forward once more and brush it off.  The last line reads:

Look out, he’s right behind you!

Just kidding.  We really are out until Thursday, September 28, 2017.  

We will be checking e-mail periodically, but most likely we will not be able to respond until we re-open on Thursday.  Please call us then at 508.655.5980 or await our response at the end of the week.  If you have an emergency, please reply with subject line URGENT and provide a phone number where we will do our best to call you back as soon as possible.


Auto-reply 10: Out of Office - Is Compromise Rare?

Thank you for your e-mail.  I am in Philadelphia until Oct 15th to attend and present at the International Academy of Collaborative Professional’s annual conference.  You can expect a response to your e-mail when I return to the office the week of October 16.  

While you’re waiting, did you know that in 1787, one of the greatest examples of cooperative settlement occurred in Philadelphia?  As part of the negotiation for the structure of the recently formed United States, the constitutional convention was stuck on how to design the legislative branch.  Should it provide equal representation, or should each state receive proportional representation?  The opinions were strong, and it seemed intractable.  The country’s future hung in the balance.

And then, a compromise was proposed, known as the Connecticut Compromise, and later as the Great Compromise.  In the "Great Compromise," every state was given equal representation, previously known as the New Jersey Plan, in one house of Congress, and proportional representation, known before as the Virginia Plan, in the other house.

It is easy to be nostalgic about the ability of our government to work together, but this compromise was not the result of short discussion, but rather months of planning culminating in a four-day convention.  The “Great Compromise” should give us hope that cooperative and collaborative settlement is possible even in the most seemingly intractable disagreements so long as one at least one shared goal is found, and you’re willing to put in the preparation.  For the founders they were able to find common ground in their desire to create a government that lived up to the ideals that they had fought for.  

I hope that our current representatives in government find the same common purpose; and  
I hope, whether you are a client, a colleague, a friend or a family member, that whatever struggles you may be facing, you can find inspiration in the story of the “Great Compromise” and seek out solutions that focus on common goals; and

Finally, I hope you think this is out-of-office message is more inspiring than a parody of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song, which was my only other idea…. 

spending most of my days… 
teaching collaboration in the neighborhood… 
got in one little fight… 
and the clients got scared… 
if anything I could say that compromise was rare… 
but I thought “Nah, forget it – There’s a chance to be Fair!”

If you need assistance before October 16 please contact Melissa at 508.655.5980.  


Auto-reply 11: Out of Office - Choose Your Own Adventure

Choose 1 to get to the point, or Choose 2 for an adventure:

1:  I will return to the office on Monday, August 24, 2015. If you need an immediate response please contact Valerie or Melissa at 508.655.5980.

2: It is a dark night, the kind of night where the sky seems darker for a lack of clouds, and the stars seem brighter, just holes in the sky where the light of heaven is trying to shine through.  I lie on the beach, staring up, my back on the sand.  It's late, so late that the moon is already setting.  I’m just starting to feel like this is really a vacation and... bzzzzzzzzzzzz, an interruption.  That now familiar "silent" bzzzzz of my cell phone breaks up the slosh of the waves.   Choose 3 to ignore the phone, or Choose 5 to look at the screen.

3: I close my eyes, choosing not to grab my phone and check the screen.   I try to put thoughts of work out of my mind.  My phone again says "bzzzzzzzzzzzz".  Continue to 4.

4: The sounds of the waves seem to scold the phone "cshhhhhhh.”  The waves crash to the shore, go out and then "cshhhhhhhhh" again.  I decide to listen to the waves, and try to ignore any further pull of my phone, "cshhhhhhhh."  I open my eyes and see the moon, now at the horizon, and about to say goodnight, "cshhhhhhh".  I imagine that I can see the force emanating from the moon, pushing and pulling the waves, "cshhhhhhhh".  It's the moon’s only way of communicating with me, "cshhhhhhhh".  This is the universe’s way of telling me, remember the moon, remember the waves, "cshhhhhhhh."   Remember how big everything is and at the same time how small everything is, "cshhhhhhhh."  A children’s book pops into my mind, and I start to relax again.  Goodnight, waves.  Goodnight, moon.  Goodnight, email.  Go to 1.

5: I reluctantly pick up my phone and look at the screen.  I see the e-mail's preview "Subject: Doctor Access; Message: I need your help, my ex is threatening to take away access to Doctor…”  I don’t recognize the sender, and that’s all I can see without a click through.  When I didn’t know what the phone said, I was just curious.  Now I feel like I have to pay attention.  But I know where this leads.  This e-mail will take over my vacation, and perhaps even end it.  Do I read it anyway?  Choose 4 to ignore the email, or Continue to 6 to read the email.

6: I open the e-mail, preparing myself mentally to read a complicated and potentially emotional message.  "Subject: Doctor Access; Message: I need your help, my ex is threatening to take away access to Doctor Who.  Brook and I dated for about two years and lived together for one.  We met through a mutual friend.  They were together for a short time, but broke up and stayed on good terms.  I really trusted him and he spoke so highly of her when she and I started dating.  I don’t know why I listened to him, because now I think he was still in love with her, because they got back together.  Guess he wasn’t really that great of a friend.  Anyway… Brook and I pretty much settled everything, except we shared a Netflix Account and she knows that I am in the middle of catching up on the last season of Doctor Who.  She purposefully shut off my access to the account just to spite me even though she's the one that left.  It’s technically her account, but we paid for it together.  Is there anything I can do?” 

I pondered this e-mail for a moment.  While I recognized the pain that he was in, I was also relieved to know the scope of this e-mail wouldn’t require interrupting my vacation for long.  After a little more thought, I know how to reply. “Thank you for your e-mail.  I think you have to accept that your Netflix access is gone.  But cheer up, there’s a lesson in all this that you can learn from to prevent future heartache in the future.  Just remember to Never judge a Brook by her lover.”  I send the e-mail and close my phone.  I put it down and lie back once more.  Immediately there is another “bzzzzzzzzzz”.  I close my eyes, deciding whatever it is, it’s probably not any more important than losing Doctor Who.  Go to 4 above.


Of course, I don't always come up with these on my own but use the internet for inspiration.  Here are two of the sites used for inspiration:

How to Write the Perfect Out-Of-Office Message
10 Hilarious Out of Office Messages you Will Want to Copy

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