Skip to main content

Settling Conflict with the KISS Principle in 5 Simple Steps

By
There is a design principle in engineering that was made popular by the U.S. Navy in the sixties called "Keep It Simple, Stupid" or KISS for short.  The KISS principle is about valuing simplicity in design in order to make things less likely to break and easier to fix when they do break.  As a fan of this principle, I was very impressed with Rackham Karlsson's recent blog post: Collaborative Divorce in the Simplest Terms Possible in which he does just that, explains Collaborative Divorce as simply as possible.

Rackham's post has inspired me to try and explain the work I do in the simplest terms possible using the KISS principle and the Up-Goer Five Text Editor, a site that forces you to explain an idea using only the 1000 most used words in the English language.

Here is a typical explanation of what I do:
In my work I encourage clients to settle disputes outside of court, whether through collaborative law, mediation, or other other out-of-court processes, by using interest-based negotiation techniques to resolve conflict. 
See the problem?  What the heck is interest-based negotiation?  I have over-lawyered the description of my own job without even realizing it!

So here is my new description trying to keep it simple:
There are many situations where people find themselves in a fight.  That fight could be about their work or their home life, but either way it makes their life worse.  Many people need help to end the fight.  In my work, I help people explain what they are fighting about, by learning what they want and why they want it.  When they can understand the other person's "why" we can usually end the fight with both people getting "what" they need. 
I do this using five important steps:
Step 1: Decide on how to talk (and with how many people helping).
Step 2: Share what each side knows.
Step 3: Share what each side wants and why.
Step 4: Come up with many ideas
Step 5: Decide on the best idea for both people.
If even one step is missed, the fight usually continues, but when people think through all of these steps they are usually happy with the end of the fight.
Can you explain what you do using only the 1,000 most common words?  I dare you to try it here, and post your answer in the comments section!



Labels:

Comments

  1. ValorieMay 20, 2015 at 4:25 PM

    This would be a great idea if exs worked with one another. Unfortunately for many (my husband included) there are exs that refuse to be reasonable or communicate at all. We were taken back to court 3 times in 6 months because of her selfishness and greedy ways. These children are adults (22, 19) yet MA is the only state that requires they stay infintile until way after they become adults. Plus the courts are so bias towards the women . They never even looked at our records with cashed payments, house payments and all their debt payments from us. This would have cleared my husband. Instead they relied solely on her word. Freaking amazing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Skylark Law & Mediation, PCMay 21, 2015 at 12:12 PM

      Valorie,

      Thank you for sharing your unfortunate experience. What is truly saddening is that many people believe that going back to court is the only way to resolve conflicts, especially if court is where they started. Certainly when one side makes that choice the other side is forced to litigate as well, but many people end up dissatisfied with the court process. Exs don't need to be able to work with each other on all issues, they simply have to recognize that it might be possible to reach agreement if they would just try. The 5 steps I've outlined really do work when both sides give it a chance.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2024 U.S. Presidential Party Platforms - What are the policy positions that could affect families?

By
While the laws that affect family formation, marriage and divorce are often made at the state level, there are also many policies and laws at the federal level that affect families and children.  Just some examples from recent years that have impacted families in my mediation practice include changes to the federal tax laws (such as  the elimination of the alimony tax deduction ) and U.S. Supreme Court rulings on same sex marriage and reproductive health rights.  In just over a month, the United States presidential election will have a significant impact on these federal policies going forward, and could choose the next appointments to the U.S. Supreme Court as well. In 2016 and 2020 we shared what each presidential platform said about families and policy regarding family formation and dissolution, and below we'll provide you an update on the 2024 presidential platforms.  As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."...
1 comment
Read more

Updating your Divorce Agreement Template - More Lessons from Cavanagh v. Cavanagh

By
We recently posted a lengthy review of the the Massachusetts SJC decision in Cavanagh v. Cavanagh (2002)  which included some recommendations for drafting divorce agreements, also typically called Separation Agreements.  The Cavanagh case is best known for it's clarification of how the courts should evaluate support calculations when a case may have both alimony and child support.  However, the case also contained numerous rulings that should make practitioners review their Separation Agreement templates and change some of the ways in which they may have previously drafted certain sections. In this post we'll share actual language from the Gray Jay Endeavors, LLC form Separation Agreement template which addresses each of the issues raised by the Cavanagh decision.  If you are a professional interested in purchasing the full Separation Agreement template, check out Gray Jay's  forms subscription which includes editable Massachusetts court forms and financial st...
Post a Comment
Read more

Co-Parenting Coordinator Agreements - What They Can Do and How to Draft Them

By
Photo by Marcelo Silva on Unsplash Conflict between parents negatively affects children but for some parents it's hard to avoid conflict when separating or divorcing.  Loss, grief, and anger all make it difficult to co-parent and some parents need help overcoming those barriers. One of the professionals that can help parents reduce conflict by assisting them in making the necessary co-parenting decisions is a Co-Parenting Coordinator.  The duties of a Co-Parenting Coordinator can vary but often include assisting parents with decision making around: changes or clarifications of the existing parenting plan; exchanges of the child or children including date, time, place, means of and responsibilities for transportation; education or daycare including school choice, tutoring, summer school, before and after school care, participation in special education testing and programs, or other educational decisions; enrichment and extracurricular activities including camps and jobs; the c...
Post a Comment
Read more